The Team Seven Turnaround
by Hysterical Clerical Hijinks
Summary: They aren't exactly what everyone expected. Sasuke isn't a broody avenger, but a witty pervert embroiled in the greatest bromance to ever grace the lands with his sensei, Kakashi. Naruko (formerly Naruto) is an idiot-savant transformed into the perfect(?) woman. Sakura inherited both her power and insanity from her mother and father, the strongest kunoichi ever. Kami save us all.


_Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine. Obviously._

* * *

**The Team Seven Turnaround **

Chapter One: Naruto is the world's most successful transvestite.

* * *

Something was wrong. Or at least, something was _different._ Nara Shikamaru was a slouch, he was lazy, unmotivated, uncouth, more than a little blunt, quite often bored, easily harassed and a certified genius of almost unparalleled calibre, even within his own clan whom were renowned across the elemental nations for their preternatural intellect. He was also, in his own opinion, one observant motherfucker.

You wouldn't know it at first, second, third, or really _any_ glance, but his second favourite hobby right behind cloud watching? _People watching_. More specifically nin-watching. Because even though ninja might be more troublesome than civilians, they were also about a thousand times more interesting than your local grocer (_did you know that the neighbour's son sometimes wears women's underclothes?! The scandal!)._

_Tch_, idiots.

So when Iruka, a 'chunin' academy teacher - the ANBU tattoo Shikamaru had caught a glimpse of due to one of Naruto's pranks said something else entirely about their not so harmless sensei - declared that Sasuke Uchiha; resident genius and gigantic douchenozzle, Sakura Haruno; the girl with a thousand lungs, and Naruto Uzumaki; the troublesome prankster king and literal mini-Yondaime clone (what motherfuckers in the village besides the Yondaime had sunflower blonde hair and bright blue eyes? _No one, you collective cesspool of inbred brainless assholes) _were to be put on the same team, Shikamaru expected a number of things to happen.

Judging by the semi-resigned, semi-anxious set to Iruka's face, he too was awaiting the natural disaster that Naruto was sure to give birth to in a fit of impudent, limb-flailing fury. The academy's resident organic foghorn was sure to be torn between sweet, panty-wetting orgasmic bliss and all the rage of an exploding day-glo pink sun for being on Sasuke and Naruto's team, respectively. Sasuke's already vice-like grip on stick in his ass would no doubt increase thousandfold, reaching hitherto unforseen levels of rectal pressure. Shikamaru fully expected him to be shitting out diamonds any day now.

No doubt the source of the fabled Uchiha clan's immense wealth, if he had to place any bets. If what his father told him was true, the clench-no-jutsu was a hereditary ability of the Uchiha.

Shikamaru had watched the three of them for years. In fact, he'd watched _all_ his classmates for years, by virtue of proximity if nothing else. He'd say he had an exacting grasp of each of their capabilities, morals, philosophical outlooks, goals, and most importantly their _personalities._ Nothing grants a greater ability to predict another than a well-built understanding of their motivations, the how and why to their reactions to various situations. He'd assumed he would nail their responses to their team.

You know what they say about assumptions? Well, it seems that remained true, and Shikamaru was baffled by just how wrong he was.

"Right on." Said Naruto, nodding calmly in his seat to both his new teammates.

"Hai, sensei." Said Sakura, looking downright _depressed_, shooting baleful looks at _both Sasuke and Naruto._ Both of them! That is until she saw Naruto's downright placid response, and suspicious (_hopeful?_) wariness flared into life behind calculating sea-green eyes.

"Well fuck, I was hoping for Hinata." Sasuke swore with a 'tch'. Most of the class gaped at him in pin-drop silence, turning woodenly to stare at the suddenly not-so-stoic avenger. He raised an eyebrow at the scrutiny. "What? She's absolutely _smoking _hot." He said with a nonchalant shrug.

This did nothing to stop the staring.

"She _is_ a bit of alright, isn't she?" Naruto asked rhetorically, turning round and looking a cherry-faced Hinata up and down, nodding all the while.

"Finally, somebody gets it!" Sasuke said with a heavy hint of exasperation, staring at everyone else like _they_ were the idiots.

"Personally, I prefer my eye candy more _mature_." Sakura purred, giving Iruka a disturbingly well-executed seductive stare. She was also flicking her eyes between Sasuke and Naruto, looking utterly amused. Apparently she wasn't sure what was happening either, but she also seemed pleased about it.

"Iruka-sensei?" Sasuke said with a raised eyebrow at Sakura, who nodded unrepentantly. Sasuke gave her a scrutinising look, before something akin to realisation flitted across his face. Then he turned to Iruka. "Hm, if you were a bit older you _would_ be cute together." He allowed. "But you're a bit young, so it's weird for now." He continued, tilting one of his hands in a so-so gesture.

"No hooking up with my father-figure, Sakura-chan." Naruto admonished with a shudder. "That's like, teamcest or something now, right?"

"Shame." Sakura said, obviously trying not to laugh. "Any family I _could_ possibly grab a date with, Naruto?"

"I'll tell Hokage-jiji to pick you up at five." Naruto grinned at Sakura, waggling his eyebrows.

"I did say I like them mature." Sakura murmured thoughtfully, leaning back in her seat, her body shaking with repressed laughter.

"His skills with the staff _are_ legendary." Sasuke cut in slyly, giving the pinkette a encouraging thumbs up. "He's way older than Iruka, but I'm not going to discourage it; we could all cash in some sweet, sweet nepotism."

Those three of his classmates burst into laughter, obviously enjoying the jokes. Everyone else was staring them in flabbergasted silence, shocked into speechlessness, or straight up knocked out like Hinata; queen of the jailbait. Iruka was standing up the front still, scroll long sinced having slipped out of his nerveless fingers.

'What the fuck?' he mouthed incredulously, staring at his three pupils like they'd suddenly dug up and declared an undead Uchiha Madara their undying love and baby-daddy, and then proceeded to ask the Shodai to officiate them into marital bliss. Complete and utter madness.

Shikamaru was inclined to agree with his sensei at this point in time.

"Take the rest of the day off to settle in with your teammates, you'll meet your jonin-sensei tomorrow." Iruka mumbled, still too shocked to have regained his composure.

The newly formed team seven shrugged in unison and walked out of a room so confused the 'what just happened' was _palpable._

"Those three are so fucking _troublesome."_ Shikamaru swore, giving up on thinking about the headache that was team seven, and going back to sleep in the blissful silence of the stunned academy classroom.

* * *

"I have something to tell you."

"I have a secret to confess."

"Guys, I have something you need to know."

Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto blinked slowly in unison, then Naruto snorted. Falling down cross legged on top of the Nidaime's head atop the Hokage monument. The sun blazed merrily overhead, announcing the mid-afternoon to all of Fire-country. The wind was light, but pleasant, cooling the touch of the sun just enough to shroud Kohona in a lazy summer heat.

"So we all have a big secret?"

"Seems like it, baka." Sasuke told him with a nod.

"Baka my lily-white ass." Naruto said flatly, giving Sasuke an unimpressed look. "Didn't we each just admit to having secret? For all you know, I'm a genius in disguise."

Sasuke snorted, but a piercing look from Sakura shut him right up. "Yes we did, Naruto." Sakura said with a sigh, sitting down next to Naruto. Sasuke followed suit not a few seconds later.

"Who wants to go first?" Sasuke asked bluntly.

"I'll do it." Sakura said, stretching out. Once she was done, she gave them both a level look. "If we're going to work as a team, we need to be completely honest. We've been taught that for years."

"Hai." Both Naruto and Sasuke said with a nod.

"And considering that we all admitted to having secrets, I think we're making a perfect start." She said with grin, before turing serious. "I hid my skills in the academy, and I'm not a Sasuke fangirl," She grimaces in distaste once she said it, giving Sasuke the evil eye. He doesn't seemed particularly fazed by this. "I also have two Kekkai Genkai - _Futton:_ _Boil Release_ and_ Yōton: Lava Release_."

"Why would you hide your skills?" Sasuke questions, looking at Sakura thoughtfully.

She lifted her hand, holding up two fingers. "One, I don't want to become a broodmare for my bloodlines," She told them both bluntly, flicking one of her fingers. "Two, I remain top the kunoichi in our class, but only for my academic ability. Any person that knows about that would assume I am weaker in close combat, and they would try to capitalise on that. With my bloodlines, they're playing right into my hands, and I'll be happy to melt the flesh off their bones for their idiocy."

"The names sort of give it away, and I hate to sound stupid, but what exactly do your bloodlines do?" Naruto asked curiously, looking suitably impressed.

"Boil Release allows me to use water and fire nature transformations to create various mists, gasses etc. that do anything from creating flesh eating clouds of acid to getting rid of those pesky stains in my new carpets." Sakura said with a wry smile. Her joke was rewarded by a humorous snort from both Sasuke and Naruto. "Lava release is earth and fire, and lets me create magma with various consistencies and uses."

"Well that will certainly be useful." Sasuke murmured, looking appreciative of having a powerful teammate. "But forgive if me if I'm wrong, but neither of those Kekkai Genkai are native to Kohona."

"You're not." Sakura told him. "Yōton is an Iwa bloodline, and Futton is from the Hidden Mist."

"Shodai's balls, Sakura, how did you end up with _those?"_ Naruto asked incredulously.

"I got them from my mother." She said with a small, sad smile. "Technically, I'm from the Hidden Mist, but my mother sent me here to be adopted. She hoped I would end up meeting my father, so that she could raise me in my mother's stead. She didn't want me to get hurt in the civil war, you see."

"Wait wait wait." Naruto told her, waving his hands in front of his face, looking utterly confused. "I might not actually be a genius in disguise, but even I know where babies come from. How can your father be a _she?"_

"That's a story for another time." Sakura told him, closing that line of inquiry. Sasuke looked a little bemused, but accepted Sakura's words as fact, no matter how strange.

"I guess it's my turn then?" He asked rhetorically, before carrying on. "I'm not actually an asshole." He said plainly.

"That remains to be seen, teme." Naruto said disbelievingly.

"I'm not as big an asshole as I acted in the academy." Sasuke corrected himself with a small quirk to his lips. Naruto barked a laugh at this, and gave him an appreciative nod.

"Oh thank Kami-sama." Sakura muttered. "I'm pretty sure I would have turned your skull into a bookend within a month."

"You're pretty violent, aren't you?" Naruto mumbled, looking at Sakura warily.

"I wasn't really acting when I hit you all the time in the academy." She said, blushing sheepishly. "My father, she's known for her bouts of destructive rage as well. I get it from her. And even if you aren't right now, not long ago you were still pretty annoying."

"Any other psychological disorders you inherited?" Sasuke asked with a raised brow.

**_'CHA! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE! SHANNARO!'_**

"...Nothing comes to mind."

"Fair enough." Sasuke told her. "My family weren't exactly known as paragons of mental stability, either, and I'm certainly not in any place to judge."

"Amen to that. Isn't it your dream to commit fratricide?" Sakura asked him blandly.

"I'm going to burn him to ashes, I'm going to turn the ashes into ink, paint him burning alive, and then burn the painting."

"That sounds healthy."

"Quite." Sasuke nodded, before closing his eyes. When he reopened them, a two-tomoe sharingan swirled menacingly, bright with the crimson Uchiha glow. "I've also got my sharingan." He told them unnecessarily.

"That's pretty neat." Naruto said, staring into Sasuke's dojutsu. "Oh, by the way, what was up with what you said about Hinata?"

"Just the truth." Sasuke told them both with a shrug. "Hinata's a babe. For someone our age, her boobage is ridiculous."

"Oh, and I'm not good enough for you?" Sakura asked dangerously, a shadow falling across her face as she crossed her arms over her admittedly flat chest.

"You have pretty eyes," Sasuke began. "But you killed any attraction I had toward you by fangirling all these years, even if it was an act. Sorry."

"It's alright, you're not really my type, even if you aren't as broody as you pretended to be. Too pretty." She replied with a sigh, uncrossing her arms.

"A bishonen if I ever saw one." Naruto nodded sagely.

"You know, you're agreeing with her that I'm pretty." Sasuke said slowly, pointing at Sakura.

"Well, yeah."

"...I think I'm getting a pretty good idea of what your secret is." Sasuke snorted.

"Ha-_ha_." Naruto replied, giving his raven haired teammate the finger. "Not quite. My secret... well, my secret... it's pretty..._shocking_, I guess." Naruto began, obviously uncomfortable. Sakura stopped him, laying a hand on his shoulder, and he gave her a curious look.

"Don't worry about it Naruto." She said softly, warmly. "I know your secret."

"You do?" Naruto asked, suddenly pale.

"Me too." Sasuke admitted, shifting around a bit.

"I well- I didn't mean to hide it, it's just I didn't know what do, or how to tell you guys-" Naruto babbled, running a hand through his hair, looking panicked.

"Shh, it's okay." Sakura said comfortingly, wrapping her arm around the boisterous blonde. "We don't care that you're a jinchūriki.

"Everyone at the academy learns a little about sealing jutsu. We understand the difference between the kunai and the scroll." Sasuke agreed.

Naruto gaped at them, tears pooling at the corner of his eyes. "Thank you." He said softly, breaking out into a wide smile, dashing the tears away. "It means a lot to hear that from you two."

"Of course, Naruto." Sakura said, squeezing him again.

"You're welcome." Sasuke said, a little stiffly, but not unfriendly.

"How did you figure it out?" Naruto asked curiously.

"I can the seal's chakra with my sharingan."

"I'm just not an idiot." Sakura shrugged, getting two odd looks. "It isn't exactly hard to figure out, guys."

"It would be sad if after being trained for years in our ability to gather and discover hidden information we couldn't piece together the puzzle, especially since they literally call you a demon."

"That isn't my secret though." Naruto butted in with a mischievous grin. "Or at least, it wasn't the one I was going to tell you about."

"What?" Sakura exclaimed confusedly, shifting away from Naruto with a frown. "That wasn't your secret?"

"Nope." Naruto said, his grin widening. "First off, I'm not an idiot. I'm not exactly the pride of Kohona in the brains department either, though. Hokage-jiji calls me an idiot-savant sometimes, but I think I'm a pretty average thinker with a knack for short-term tactics and ninjutsu."

"But you can't even pull off a proper clone." Sakura said, not unkindly but still very confused.

"True, but that's because my chakra reserves are already Kage-level." Naruto pointed out. Sakura and Sasuke gaped at him. "Yeah, it's pretty crazy. It's a mix between me being a jinchūriki and an Uzumaki, who have naturally massive reserves."

"Damn. I've worked at my chakra like crazy and I've still only got mid-chunin reserves." Sakura told him.

"So you know some ninjutsu?"

"Not really, but I did learn the Kage Bunshin from the forbidden scroll in two hours." Naruto said sheepishly.

"Bullshit." Sasuke said with wide eyes. "You picked up a B-rank kinjutsu in _two hours?"_

"I actually mastered the A-ranked version first, multiple clones, before moving down. And Did I mention that it was me that stole the forbidden scroll from the Hokage tower after being tricked by Mizuki?"

"Baka." Sasuke muttered. "You unbelievable, preposterously talented _baka."_

"Your jiji was right." Sakura agreed, wapping him one upside the head. "Idiot-savant."

Naruto sweat dropped. "Eheh, it wasn't my best moment, no."

"So that's your secret?" Sakura asked him, feeling that after the jinchūriki thing, it was sort of anti-climatic.

"Well, no." Naruto coughed into his fist. "You see, I sort of developed an S-rank transformation technique by accident."

"..." Sasuke boggled at Naruto, unable to speak, his mind literally shutting down for a few moments under sheer incredulity.

"Care to run that by us again, Naruto?" Sakura asked faintly.

"You know my Sexy jutsu?" He asked.

"...Yes." Sakura told him, stifling her feminine outrage for the moment.

"Well, turns out that it's a solid henge."

"A _solid henge?_ That's the wet dream of every infiltrator in the Elemental Nations!" Sasuke answered in awe.

"It's also completely lethal to anyone who isn't the jinchūriki of the Kyuubi." Naruto let him down, bluntly. "Kitsune are shape-shifters, after all, and it seems that ability carried over to me. But it also isn't fullproof, a good hit will make it go poof, just like a shadow clone. I also can't stay henged as inanimate, or non-organics, very long. Using chakra to emulate chakraless things is impossible for extended periods of time."

"But you can solid henge into a person for as long as you want?"

"From what I can tell, yeah." Naruto sighed. "But we're getting sidetracked again. What I wanted to say is that when I was developing the Sexy jutsu... well I had a little _accident."_

"Accident?" Sasuke questioned warily.

Suddenly, Naruto was enveloped in a cloud of chakra smoke. A few seconds later, and the smoke was blown away. What remained was Naruto... but not. Because this Naruto was most assuredly female, dressed in a light, orange chinese styled shirt, with black pants and shoes. She looked fourteen or fifteen years old, with her blonde hair cut to just below her chin. She was literally rippling with muscle, but she wasn't bulky, it was just that not an inch of fat was visible on her slender, lethal frame. Her features were sharper, her eyes more slanted. She had breasts that weren't too large or small, but fit her lithe frame perfectly. Even among female ninja, who were renowned for regularly growing into preposterous beauties, Naruto was almost unfathomably attractive.

Sasuke choked, his sharingan spinning wildly. Sakura's jaw fell slack as she looked Naruto over.

"Surprise, I'm a girl now!" She said with an uneasy chuckle, her voice a tad higher, but smoother, more rich.

"Sweet Kami-sama above, Naruto." Sasuke cursed.

"Ho- wha- when did this happen?!" Sakura asked loudly, doing her best not to shriek, a nasty habit she'd fallen into to hide her true personality.

"See, I was researching - I know, hard to imagine - kunoichi body types for a an initial version of my Sexy jutsu, trying to keep the changes smaller and easier to do. So I made up the literal pinnacle of a teenage female ninja. Height, weight, reach, breast size, flexibility, muscle density, you name it, I looked it up. This," He waved a hand over his body indicatively. "is what I came up with, the perfect teenage female ninja, with an alteration on looks as to how I imagined I'd look like as a girl."

"Unfortunately, I sort of... messed up. Instead of the shell of chakra that I use for my solid henges now, I used the chakra to change my own body into what I had created. It felt like I was tearing myself into a thousand pieces and mashing them together again, which technically I probably was. If it wasn't for my Uzumaki heritage, I'm pretty sure I'd be dead. This all happened a couple of months ago, and I haven't changed back because I don't know if I will survive a second time, seeing as I barely did the first."

"Baka, baka, baka, baka," Sasuke repeated his mantra, burying his face into his hands, chuckling all the while.

"I can't believe this." Sakura laughed into her own hands, shocked and amused. "Naruto's a girl now!"

"I've been a girl for a while." She replied with a little shrug.

"You must've freaked out when it happened." Sasuke said to Naruto, who shrugged again.

"Of course I did, turning into a girl was _weird. _But it worked out in the end. I'm stronger, faster, I have better endurance, I'm more flexible, I'm more durable, my reflexes have increased and I'm drop dead gorgeous." Naruto grinned widely. "Totally worth it."

"I'll say." Sasuke mumbled, giving the female Naruto an appreciative eye.

"Don't even think about it, you little perv." She said, shooting him down immediately with narrowed eyes. "Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I'm suddenly into men. I'm perfectly... well, technically I'm gay."

"So, how did the Hokage take it?" Sakura asked, steering the conversation away from... whatever the new, pervy Sasuke was trying to get at.

"He doesn't know. In fact, the only other people that do are Ayame-nee and Teuchi-oji. They helped me a lot, especially Ayame, in adjusting." Naruto said with a small smile.

"They sound like good people." Sakura said warmly. "I'd like to meet them."

"They are." Naruto replied earnestly, her heart swelling with love for two of his most precious people. She wiped a tear away, and turned to her teammates with a broad smile. "We'll have ramen sometime, and you can meet them."

"Sure, Naruto." Sasuke replied evenly.

"Uhm, actually, I go by Naruko or Naru now." She told them both, scratching the side of her face.

"Of course, Naru." Sakura said immediately. She was trying to be supportive of her new teammate, and if she was being completely honest, she was impressed with how well Naru was doing in such a situation. It helped that she was infinitely less annoying than the brainless pest she had pretended to be. She watched as Naru scratched the side of her practically flawless face (she also viciously squashed the surge of jealously she felt, Naru had been a boy until a few months ago and had _definitely_ not asked for this) and noticed something she had not paid much attention before, due to her aversion to Naruto. "Kawaii." Sakura whispered, but both boys picked up on it.

"Uh, Sakura-chan, what are you- wait ah! Sakura!" Naruko yelped, trying (unsuccessfully) to fend off her pink haired teammate.

"I just want to see with they feel like, stop being such a baby!" Sakura scolded, slapping away one of Naru's hands and reaching for a cheek.

"No it's just, they're really sens- _uwaaaah." _Naru tried to warn her off, before Sakura ran a calloused finger over the soft whisker marks. She was worried when Naru shuddered violently at the touch, and thought for a moment that maybe she really _had_ pushed too far. That is, of course, until Naru started _purring_.

"Kawaiiiii." Sakura breathed out, lowering purring girl's head into her lap to continue her ministrations. Naru, meanwhile, was completely lost in the moment, unaware of anything except the steady touch of Sakura's warm hands. Sakura was unsure how long she sat there, stroking Naru's whiskers, and causing the girl to lay in catatonic bliss. Then she remembered she had an audience.

"I take back everything I said about wanting Hinata on the team." Sasuke said, wearing a blush and a smirk, sharingan blazing. "This is _awesome."_

"Pervert!" Sakura yelled, flicking a rock at Sasuke, which much to her annoyance he avoided easily because of his sharingan.

"Pwaaaa." Naru exclaimed, stretching lightly, a small, giddy smile on her face. "Uh, sorry about that, Sakura, but like I was going to say, they're really sensitive."

"Why don't we go some place else and we can see what else of yours is really sensitive, Naru." Sasuke said with a leer, and a downright cheesy wink.

"Like hell, you freaky little weirdo!" Naru yelled in outrage, hands forming a cross seal.

Unfortunately for Sasuke, his sharingan was not able to anticipate the boot of the shadow clone making thunderous contact with his backside, sending him flying from the Nidaime's head. As Sasuke soared over Kohona, his ass throbbing with a pain that can only be achieved through feminine vengeance, he mused that sexually harassing the container of the most powerful demon-lord in the world was probably a poor decision.

Sakura watched impassively as her only male teammate fell to his probable death. Any sense of guilt, or remorse was being throttled to death by the outrage she felt for fellow female. Worse comes to worst, at least she knew she finally had another girl to talk to, disregarding her previous life as a male. If anything, she that perspective could make their conversations very interesting. A juxtapositioning on the roles that males and females face in society, coming from the eyes of an outcast unable to-

**_'I'M GOING TO LOVE FIST ALL THE MILKMEN!'_**

'...Kami damn it, Inner.'

And Naru? She was busy seething with righteous anger. Something she'd happily picked up as a kunoichi trait common in Kohona. She watched her pervy rival flail and fall in the distance, not really all that bothered by the likelihood of his abrupt demise.

"Teme." She growled.

And really, despite how different each of them may be, it seemed that some things never change.

* * *

**_FAVOURITE~REVIEW~FOLLOW!_**

**I just couldn't help myself. Please forgive me.**

**Sakura is the offspring of two powerful, slightly insane kunoichi. With the hints I provided, it should be super easy to guess who. Also, her inner manifests itself as a chaos space marine/Borderlands bandit hybrid, because why not?**

**Sasuke is not a gigantic, angsty asshole. Instead, he's a witty, sarcastic ass. He's also a perv. He and Kakashi's epic bromance will be written across the stars.**

**Naru's just in it for the laughs, and for the jutsu. She's an idiot-savant that will outshine hrt entire generation with her unfathomable talent, and most definitely not with the disasterous conga-line of beyond stupid shit she does. The fact that she isn't an idiot just makes it worse.**


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